Letter About My "Fishy" Neighbors

Howdy, Mr President, I am from, ah hell , it don’t matter none where I am from, it is out here in the middle of the country and ya’ll don’ care too much for all us folks. Anyhows I heard up at the welfare office that ya’ll was wantin us to report to you anything that was fishy. I gotta tell ya about ma naighbor. I don’ know what all goes on over there in that subdivision, but it sure is weird to me. A feller cain’t never hardly sleep at’all what with em startin their car ever’ day and going somewhere near the break of dawn. It must be dang near 8 a’ clock ever’ day. Every Day I tell you. An’ theys always carryin little suitcases and such. Then they come a roarin in Jus’ before supper time. They don’ go straight in to their house an’ stay. They plant stuff outside and stuff. They always doin something. I don think they ever watch TV. Sometgimes they paint stuff, and they’re always a mowin their yard and stuff. Makes an awful racket, an sometimes I cain’t hardly hear MSNBC news. Them folks always wear fancy clothes and stuff too, all new an everything. They drive a big ol’ truck and it is even NEW, I don’ know where they get that kinna money. I don’ see em selling weed nor nuthin. They do have some guns, and I don’ hardly know nobody with guns that don’t sell meth. Not that I know nuthin about cookin up some crank. They’re always a talking funny too, sayin somethin about the constushion or summin; I dunno, cain’t understand it at’all. T’other day I was walking out to the mailbox (first of the month ya know) during a ‘mercial and I seen they had put this pole inna ground and they was a flyin a flag like what’s on the front of the unemployment office. Whatta they think they part of the gummint or somethin?

An another thing, them two folks musta been married for like 10 years or somethin, to each other, even. I don’ think either of em is divorced. ‘Bout the weirdest thing they do is they even get up on Sundays, and they all washed up and fancy dressed and they go somewhere and they dont come back till after I have had my lunch and my nap. Their young uns is weird too. They dress like they momma and babydaddy. They talk like grown ups too. I seen the grown ups take off in their new cars one morning when I was still up. They was a all night flavor of love marathon on MTV and I hadnt gone ta bed yet. Anyways, them big uns they take off just like they do everyday, and then them young uns come out an they got on the skool bus jus like that… all by theyselves, nobody tellin em too. That ain’t as weird as my otha neighbors though, they kids don’ even go to school, but then tha other day I heard someone say that they bein learnt at home…if youre a gonna stay home why would you be readin and stuff?

Coupla weeks ago I was waitin ta get my vicodin refilled for my fibromyalgia at the ER, thought I might get some annibotics too for my little un he’s had a runny nose for a coupla days, and them people come in an they was a carryin on somethin ‘bout a heart attack. I don think they was havin a heart attack annaways, cause everybody knows you call the ammulance for anything like that. Anyhow they said something about they had ‘surance or sumthin. I dinn’t understand that. One time when I was goin to that clinic to get my Oxycontin for my bad back, I seen a feller come in and he said somethin ‘bout gettin a checkup, an’ then he gave em’ money. I think it musta been bout $50. I think he was tryin to bribe em to get meds, he prolly was an addict. That was prolly why that doctor feller wouldn’t give me my pain meds. He already gave em all to that other rich feller.

last spring I was comin out of the pawn shop headed to the tattoo parlor afore I went over to the licoor store and I passed the tax place and them folks was a bitchin up a storm. Now I tell ya if a person is against gettin all that money I don’ know what is wrong with ‘em. Why me an’ my ol’lady get enough money in April that we eat purty high on the hog till summer. Why would a person be agin’ that?

I guess that is bout all. I know somethin is up with them folks. They gots lots of money so they musta cheated somebody. I jus thought I oughta let ya know. I shore am glad that all ya’ll smart folks us up’ere in DeeCee watchin out for us n’stuff. Talk at ya later, smack that woman o’ yours on the butt once for me.

p.s. when you gonna buy me some gas for my car, and remodel my bathroom like you promised you would? I voted for you twice you would think it would be the least you could do. oh an thanks for the cigarettes and coffee them people o’yours in the red shirts with the nuts on em gave me.