Read Parts I here and Part II here.
I have to guess somewhat at the actual word for word account of the version of history favored by New Historians (kind of like the joke of New Math), as I was apparently never exposed to this sort of indoctrination. However my version of their version of History is based on a lot of reading that I have recently afflicted myself with to determine “What in the HELL is wrong with these people?”
In the Early 18th century brutal imperialists fled mother Europe seeking new lands to conquer. They arrived at the shores of the New World and promptly set about their program of environmental rape and genocide of the indigenous peoples’. They tilled the soil mostly by using Slave Labor which was gained through subterfuge by white men promising peace loving Africans pleasure cruises to a paradise land. They burned early feminists at the stake and treated women like property unlike the equality women shared in other more civilized parts of the world like Africa, China, and the Middle East.
Eventually the British tried to stop the brutal colonials from harming any more people and urged them to put aside their barbaric ways and come back into the fold of the benevolent and civilized rule of the King. Likewise the savage colonials rebuked the French’s offer of peaceful civilization and proceeded to start and wage an illegal war with their rightful rulers. Through sheer brutality and underhandedness, and while sacrificing a lot of slaves and Natives to the cause the aggressive colonists defeated the peace loving British.
They formed their wicked imperial government and proceeded to claim all of the Native’s land in a Genocidal war in which twice as many natives as lived on the continent were killed (new math). Eventually the worst of the lot, the evil South tried to take all of the slaves for themselves and the ruthless capitalistic North would not tolerate losing have of their empire and so another pointless war of aggression was fought once again using slaves as the pawns in a game between rich white men. Many women were raped and murdered in this war. A gay man became president (look it up some of them think so) and ended the suffering of the Slaves. He promised them all forty acres and a Mule, as well as a chicken in every pot and reparations for all their labor, but before he could do that he was killed in a hate crime.
This ushered in an area of uncontrolled capitalism, and a few white men became wealthy on the backs of Asians, Irish, and Italians who were lured from their near perfect societies to North America by more and more lies of a good place to live by the evil robber barons. An all out war on Mother Earth continued with the Imperialists thirst for gold, and their need to build things like railroads. They stole even more land from the Natives and decided that better than killing them all off would be to imprison them in Concentration Camps called Reservations.
Eventually sanity somewhat prevailed and a strong president with a firm hand and a predisposition to real activism was elected despite the constant treachery of the Capitalists. Many Laws restraining capitalism were created and several peacekeeping actions and overseas contingency operations were undertaken to relieve several backward and un-evolved races that had heretofore been ignored by the greedy capitalists pigs. About this time the glorious Government was able to finally grant Women the right to vote.
Subtly and behind the scenes the USA pulled strings and was able to get the peace loving Europeans to start a war so that the Capitalists in America could increase their already disgusting wealth. After WWI the rest of the civilized world attempted to lay the foundation of a one world government and despite the current president, the glorious Woodrow Wilson, they were successful in being once again Arrogant in their belief that they did not need the rest of the world.
The Racist Homophobic and Misogynistic Capitalists launched a resurgence and even though cooler heads attempted to temper their aggression with a wonderful constitutional amendment to try to bring sobriety and morals to the evil rich whites. They rebelled at this and their greed reached new heights culminating in a lawless crime wave. Eventually the Government was able through the passage of righteous laws to create agencies to deal with this unrestrained capitalism and lawlessness. Eventually the FBI, ATF, and IRS were able to contain the damage caused by the unrestrained capitalist pigs.
In a bold move designed to the criminalization of personal freedom intelligence once again prevailed and the repeal of the puritanical assault on personal freedom that was Prohibition was successful (do not go back and read what came before, that is being intellectually honest and liberals do not do that…stay in the present).
Greedy Bankers intent on subjugating the less fortunate caused the crash of the stock market in 1929 , years unrestrained rape of the land caused the dustbowl and not passing the smoot hawley tariff act quickly enough caused the great depression. FDR’s great policies finally pulled the US economy from the brink, unfortunately he was not able to spend enough quick enough to ensure real utopian socialism, even though he had studied German and Italian Government Closely. Years and years of crimes against Asians by the west caused the Japanese to stage a daring attack on the imperialist base at Hawaii. Despite their victory, capitalists are hard to discourage, and before long the promise of war profiteering was enough to cause the US to join the rest of Europe in trying to squash the people’s revolution in Germany and the spreading of their way of good government as well as Italy’s. All of this while subsequently waging an imperial war against the legal government of provincial Japan trying to take their home islands from them. This culminated in the USA dropping two Nuclear Weapons on Japan after they had already been defeated in an effort to further subjugate the world, display their aggression, and sate their ever present thirst for wanton death and destruction.
After WWII the USA turned on it's’ former ally the CCCP (USSR to capitalists) and began an all out assault on the workers’ revolution. They also tried to murder that kind old gentlemen Fidel Castro. LBJ was able to enact many great and wondrous laws to aid minorities and women and children. President Nixon was able to finally get the US out of the Quagmire started by previous capitalistic republican administrations. Former Actor Ronald Reagan was elected president and the US slid into a mini depression that former presidents’ Ford and Carter had tried to keep the US out of. Reagan was a cowboy who tried to limit the Government’s ability to ensure the well being of its’ people. Reagan was a terrible war monger who would not negotiate with repressed peoples or let them air their grievances in a fulfilling way for them. He pushed and pushed the CCCP (USSR) into spending more and more money on weapons to defend themselves with causing the CCCP (USSR) to not be able to provide the luxuries that the west enjoyed (even though the proud soviets saw no need in such luxuries as bread, meat, and fruit). Seeing the demise of his country at the hands of the Filthy Capitalists Mikhail Gorbachev was able through his excellent leadership to soften the landing of the CCCP as the west rejoiced in the destruction of the greatest social experiment of all time. Without anything retraining them the US proceeded to wage a war for oil all across the middle east, disregarding the feelings of the rest of the world. Finally certain patriots had taken as much of the US aggression as they could take and struck back at the biggest symbol of capitalist greed on 9/11/2001. The US’s chickens had finally come home to roost. Then through completely unsavory tactics, and the bribery of untold numbers of government officials Stupid Bush was selected not Elected, and the capitalist greed and environmental rape of the earth was allowed to continue unabated while he went off tilting at windmills and being arrogant and dismissive of the mighty countries of Europe. Finally sanity prevailed and the country gave Barrack Obama a mandate to finally turn the country 180 degrees in the opposite direction and finally end nearly two centuries of evil wrong headed thinking.
Stay Tuned as this wondrous chapter in the reshaping of America Unfolds- Comrade. Heil Obama. Give Peace a Chance. We can only wish that Hope and Change are on the way. My car is almost out of gas.
Which one, Part II or Part III makes more sense to you?
